Getting along with a roommate

Having a roommate can be a new experience. One of the most challenging can be living with someone you know little about. Or perhaps living with someone you know well but have never lived with. Either way, living with anyone in a small space can be a sometimes frustrating, but often, rewarding experience.

Generally, people believe that when they like each other, living together will be easy. But simply liking someone doesn't necessarily imply that two people can live together successfully. Living together involves something different than liking; it involves being able to talk and share ideas, being tolerant and able to agree on how to handle situations.

What people may not realize is that talking and sharing ideas and negotiating conflicts don't REQUIRE friendship or liking. They do require certain skills; skills that can be of benefit in any situation in which you need to share space, be it permanent, as in marriage, or temporary, as with roommates.

Whenever two people live together there are always both similarities and differences. Inevitably, there are needs to be compromise, but there is also room for each to learn something valuable from the other. It is not necessary for people to agree on feelings, preferences, or opinions; it is necessary to understand each other and respect each other's rights.

To understand each other, roommates need to talk. They need to share information, thoughts and feelings about themselves and their lives to this point. They need to tell each other their personal preferences, habits and characteristics-- especially the "quirks" we all have. They need to share information about their emotional styles so the roommate can read and understand feelings.

Of course, this requires knowing one's self and being confident enough to share. Remember that there is no perfect roommate. Striving toward these ideals can help improve relationships but working at it and growing together are parts of the process.

Common areas of conflict include the following: neatness, noise, visits by guests, study arrangements, sharing of belongings, money issues, messages, values, social lifestyles, and schedules.

Negotiating potential areas of conflict requires good communication skills. Roommates must learn to listen to each other without interrupting, focusing on really understanding how the other feels. It is also helpful to speak neutrally--"I get mad when my studying is interrupted," is easier to hear than "You make me so mad when you blast your stupid stereo so that I can't even think." When you're living together, it really doesn't matter WHY someone feels as they do; it's just important to respect that they feel that way!

To resolve areas of conflict, it's important to generate solutions together and to do so quickly. There is no one right solution; the best answer is the one most satisfactory to both parties. It's important to be open and to compromise. Living together is not a win/lose situation. If managed successfully, both people can win.

Once you've laid down the ground rules, make a commitment to stick to them. Don't be afraid to stand up for your rights when rules are violated. It's not easy to avoid conflict, but holding on to your grievances without expressing them is the best way to make conflict unmanageable. Working through the trouble can bring people closer.

Good relationships of all sorts need time and effort, and in a space so small as a dorm room, this is especially so!